Uninspiration

As I did last year, I will attempt to write a blogpost a day for the 12 days of Christmas; except this time I will pick a new topic each day. This is the blogpost for the eight day of Christmas 20/21.

I don’t even know if today’s topis is a real word, but I feel very uninspired today. Yesterday was nice with good conversations and laughter and very late to bed, so today has been chilling and resting, watching movies with the rest of the family and eating chips and drinking coke.

That also means that I am not sure what to write about today, as I feel quite tired and uninspired and thereby uninspiring; I have a list of potential topics that I have looked at and all are good topics; I just don’t know what to say about them.

My friend Lena says that I often say that I lack inspiration for talk topics, workshops or even blogposts like these – and that I always manage to come up with something that inspires and helps someone. And maybe she is is right, maybe someone finds help in knowing that other people also fail to find inspiration sometimes. Or maybe someone can be inspired to say “today is a day of uninspiration and that is okay”…

Are you okay with not feeling inspired sometimes?
And where do you find your inspiration?

Blogpost for the first day of Christmas 20/21: Time for reflection
Blogpost for the second day of Christmas 20/21: Unicorns
Blogpost for the third day of Christmas 20/21: Raining again
Blogpost for the fourth day of Christmas 20/21: Being or doing
Blogpost for the fifth day of Christmas 20/21: Gratefulness
Blogpost for the sixth day of Christmas 20/21: Having people in my space
Blogpost for the seventh day of Christmas 20/21: Family
Blogpost for the ninth day of Christmas 20/21: Fear (and courage?)
Blogpost for the tenth day of Christmas 20/21: Jumping in puddles
Blogpost for the eleventh day of Christmas 20/21: The choice is yours
Blogpost for the twelfth day of Christmas 20/21: Anticipation

Family

As I did last year, I will attempt to write a blogpost a day for the 12 days of Christmas; except this time I will pick a new topic each day. This is the blogpost for the seventh day of Christmas 20/21.

While the rest are out watching the fireworks, I am writing this blogpost a little belated, but after midnight is better than not at all.

I have spent the last three weeks living at my best friends’ house in Denmark, where I have my own room; I also lived here 10 weeks this summer and I have been living with them on other occasions when I needed it. I met my friend Elisabeth 33 years ago, her husband a few months after she did, and her kids days or hours after they were born. It is a house of friends, and the kids are my oldest kids. The youngest even calls me extra mom.

This is where I am spending this new year’s eve with an addition of Elisabeth’s sister, brother-in-law, and niece.

This family has become my extra family and are very supportive no matter what I do. It is so much my family that when I called my dad to wish him happy new year, he ended the call with “wish happy new year to your other family for me” (except he said it in Danish ;))

Sometimes our family comes when we are born, or when we are married into a family. And sometime family comes when you make strong connections with friends, so strong that it is more than friendship; it is a relation goes beyond that. For some like me this is an extra family, for some it is their only family…

Blood does not always make a family. For many people Christmas can be hard, as their blood family has rejected them, or they have chosen to not have contact with them. As almost everything around Christmas can seem to be about family, meeting family, being with family, it can be hard if you don’t have one, or if you don’t fit into the one that you have.

My hope for all those people is that they find family in some other form – we need that belonging, we need to be part of something, and we all deserve it.

Who is your family?
Do you have someone who cares for you and where you belong?
And what does that mean to you?

Blogpost for the first day of Christmas 20/21: Time for reflection
Blogpost for the second day of Christmas 20/21: Unicorns
Blogpost for the third day of Christmas 20/21: Raining again
Blogpost for the fourth day of Christmas 20/21: Being or doing
Blogpost for the fifth day of Christmas 20/21: Gratefulness
Blogpost for the sixth day of Christmas 20/21: Having people in my space
Blogpost for the eight day of Christmas 20/21: Uninspiration
Blogpost for the ninth day of Christmas 20/21: Fear (and courage?)
Blogpost for the tenth day of Christmas 20/21: Jumping in puddles
Blogpost for the eleventh day of Christmas 20/21: The choice is yours
Blogpost for the twelfth day of Christmas 20/21: Anticipation

Having people in my space

As I did last year, I will attempt to write a blogpost a day for the 12 days of Christmas; except this time I will pick a new topic each day. This is the blogpost for the sixth day of Christmas 20/21.

Today’s topic is inspired by my oldest girl Cathrine; while I may not have given birth to any kids, a bunch of them seem to have adopted me, which is one of my great joys in life 🙂

This afternoon we were watching “The Nutcracker” from Bardavon, while she was doing a puzzle and I was chilling. Btw Bardavon could use some donations, so they can continue their community work…

After the nutcracker we put on Ironman and I started building some LEGO. We were half watching the movie and half doing our own stuff. A very lovely afternoon where we were together and yet had very little interaction.

I experience this with some people. Long ago when I was living with my ex-boyfriend, I would often sit on the couch in his office and read a book, while he was playing computer games. Very little interaction but being together. That feeling of connectedness and effortlessness.

I did not have a term for this until I met drunkcod (yup the same dude from the post yesterday). We first got to know each other on twitter and only talked there for years, until 2013 when I was in Stockholm on other business and we met for coffee. And for talking; it was like meeting a friend that I had known for 25 years or more. I left after a few hours and we next met at Øredev later that year. I had a one day ticket and we were hanging out the whole day, though we didn’t talk much. Since then we have talked a lot and lost many hours of sleep while not wanting to stop talking, but that is a different story.

He introduced me to the term, when he said “I like having you in my space”. A term that I have truly adopted and embraced. It explained so well that feeling I have when I am with some people. We don’t need to interact, but just having that person near feels good. It can be someone I work with, where we are each working on our own thing, while being in the same room; it can be a friend at a conference that I see passing by; it can be my girl and I sort of watching a movie while doing our own thing; it can be sitting at a cafe with a fellow coach and friend and reading each our book.

It gives a really good feeling; a calmness so to say; and it is something that I value a lot. And something that I missed a lot during corona. While it has been nice with zoom calls with friends, it is also hard to be on screen so much, and the effortlessness is gone.

Not everyone likes having other people in their space, or at least not all the time. There is no right or wrong here. There is only sensing what is good for you, and considering how to get that.

I look forward to having my people in my space again once this is over 🙂

Do you like having people in your space?
Do you prefer solitude?

Blogpost for the first day of Christmas 20/21: Time for reflection
Blogpost for the second day of Christmas 20/21: Unicorns
Blogpost for the third day of Christmas 20/21: Raining again
Blogpost for the fourth day of Christmas 20/21: Being or doing
Blogpost for the fifth day of Christmas 20/21: Gratefulness
Blogpost for the seventh day of Christmas 20/21: Family
Blogpost for the eight day of Christmas 20/21: Uninspiration
Blogpost for the ninth day of Christmas 20/21: Fear (and courage?)
Blogpost for the tenth day of Christmas 20/21: Jumping in puddles
Blogpost for the eleventh day of Christmas 20/21: The choice is yours
Blogpost for the twelfth day of Christmas 20/21: Anticipation

Gratefulness

As I did last year, I will attempt to write a blogpost a day for the 12 days of Christmas; except this time I will pick a new topic each day. This is the blogpost for the fifth day of Christmas 20/21.

The subject for today is suggested by Tobias Geyer 🙂

Gratefulness is amazing and hard. It is easy to fall into the trap of not appreciating what we have, but instead looking at what is missing.

That does not mean that we should never look at what is missing. I do believe in finding the silverlining in things and looking at what is good. I also believe that we need to look at problems and challenges and loss to be able to handle it.

It rubs me the wrong way when organisations go “we don’t have problems, we have challenges” or other ways of not being allowed to bring up problems.

I have seen companies with a pretty value on a wall on “Being positive” and then weaponising that when people bring up things. Hitting them on the head with a big positive attitude stick so that they fit in and the value remains. There is nothing wrong with the value itself, just the implementation of it. I felt it myself a few weeks ago, when I brought up a concern and was told “Why can’t you just look at what we CAN do instead?” in an aggresive, loud, and patronising voice.

That is the wrong kind of “positivity” – the toxic kind.

What I am talking about is being aware of the world as it is – or as the best interpretation of that – and still find the good things about it. Like my dear friend drunkcod says “Things become better when we accept them as they
are. Not as we want them to be.
” (This does not mean “accept” as in “we can’t change it”, but “accept” as in “see them for what they are at this moment and not some wishful dream”)

And it isn’t always easy. I took the challenge in November of #30daysofgratitude and it was tough some days; I even had to miss one day because I could not find a single thing to be grateful for. And that day one of my friend wrote on their gratitude on my behalf – that is how lucky I am 🙂

It was really good for me to reflect every day and find things to be grateful for, because it reminded me that I do have a lot of good things. I may not meet my friends because of corona, but I have loads who stay in touch online. I may not be able to speak at conferences and meet people, but I have online conferences giving me a chance to speak about things that still help people. Like how hard it can be for mental health and psychological safety during corona – and the good things at well. I was even mentioned in Fortune Magazine online with that due to lovely serendepity (a writer working on an article and researching, who happened to follow someone tweeting from the conference – the world is small).

I managed to find 29 things to be grateful and that made me feel better. and it made me be more aware on the good things I do have in life. It also helps me find the energy to work on the things that do no work.

What are you grateful for?
How can that help you with the other things in life?

Blogpost for the first day of Christmas 20/21: Time for reflection
Blogpost for the second day of Christmas 20/21: Unicorns
Blogpost for the third day of Christmas 20/21: Raining again
Blogpost for the fourth day of Christmas 20/21: Being or doing
Blogpost for the sixth day of Christmas 20/21: Having people in my space
Blogpost for the seventh day of Christmas 20/21: Family
Blogpost for the eight day of Christmas 20/21: Uninspiration
Blogpost for the ninth day of Christmas 20/21: Fear (and courage?)
Blogpost for the tenth day of Christmas 20/21: Jumping in puddles
Blogpost for the eleventh day of Christmas 20/21: The choice is yours
Blogpost for the twelfth day of Christmas 20/21: Anticipation

Being or doing

As I did last year, I will attempt to write a blogpost a day for the 12 days of Christmas; except this time I will pick a new topic each day. This is the blogpost for the fourth day of Christmas 20/21.

One of the things I have always struggled with is feeling good enough, and I feel this creeping up on me at the moment. The feeling of not being good enough or not worthy, combined with the need of getting confirmation from others that I am.

I know it would be better for me, if I could give myself the feeling of being good enough and not need others to give it.

I truly deeply believe that a person is worthy just by being. They don’t need to do anything to be worthy. Who we are is always good enough, what we do may not be.

And yet I struggle to see that about myself.

I used to not feel good enough at all and thought that only by doing things would I be worthy. That I needed to be smart and get good grades and help people and go good work and all those things; then maybe I would be worthy, and people would like me if I did things for them. And I needed them to like me to be good enough.

I have come to a point, where sometimes I am grounded, and I know that I am worthy, and I know that I do good things and help people. I know that I am liked and appreciated. Not by all, and that is okay, because I don’t want to change myself to be liked. When I am there, I am confident and have quite a presence.

And then there are all the doubting times, where I swing between feeling confident and grounded and full of doubt and not felling good enough. Swinging might not even be the right word as the states seem to co-exist: I can doubt myself and my worth, and at the same time be confident that I know what I am doing and wanting to be acknowledged for that.

This year I have been very isolated and worked remote like many people I know. This has made me doubt myself even more as I know I am good in a room, in live trainings, in one to one conversations, or being available and approachable, but these spaces do not exist anymore. Many of my good coaching conversations happen when people see me at the coffee machine or my seat and say “do you have a minute?”; not having those spaces have made me seriously doubt all that I do, and if I can even help anyone while being online and remote.

Same with conferences and workshops. Many of the great things about speaking happens after the talk itself, in the corridor, in the bar or anywhere that people meet and talk and listen. Without that, what are my talks worth?

I can see that I can still help people ; not to the same extend and not as often as the serendipity of meeting spontanously have vanished. I can help by being honest and talking about how things are hard for me as well; I can help by listening to people and being kind to them, confirming to them that they are okay as I need to feel that I am okay. I can give that to others and not to myself.

It still means that I have regressed to needing more approval and recognition from the outside. I feel that I need to do something for people so they still like me, so that I am still worthy. Logically I knew that it is enough to just be me also to be liked; that I am liked by many for who I am, without having to do anything.

Emotionally I do not know. I feel a bit like that kid who was dreaming of someone getting a heart attack in the bus, so I could use my first-aid skills, save that person and finally be liked. That girl is still inside. Even as I write these posts, there is a part of me hoping that someone will be helped by them, so that I will be liked.

It is a vicious cycle wanting to be liked, feeling the need to be liked, and getting annoyed at myself for needed to be liked to feel good enough. So I need even more to be liked, because I cannot give myself that worth, and then I thnk less of me for needing it. And the circle goes on and on…

Sometimes I give into it and I ask for good messages for me on twitter; either by directly saying that I need it or more often by saying that I feel down. And I get massive support from amazing people – thank you 🙂

I see these moments of doubts more when I am resting, because I am not good enough, giving enough, doing enough. I need to learn that it is also true for me that I am good enough because I am. That all I need is being. And I need to feel it

Today my friend Lena asked “What can you do to feel that you are valuable just because you are?”. That is a question I still need to answer for myself and that I will pass on to you.

Remember that who you are is always good enough, what you do may not be.

What can you do to feel that you are valuable just because you are?
What helps you feel aware of your selfworth?

Blogpost for the first day of Christmas 20/21: Time for reflection
Blogpost for the second day of Christmas 20/21: Unicorns
Blogpost for the third day of Christmas 20/21: Raining again
Blogpost for the fifth day of Christmas 20/21: Gratefulness
Blogpost for the sixth day of Christmas 20/21: Having people in my space
Blogpost for the seventh day of Christmas 20/21: Family
Blogpost for the eight day of Christmas 20/21: Uninspiration
Blogpost for the ninth day of Christmas 20/21: Fear (and courage?)
Blogpost for the tenth day of Christmas 20/21: Jumping in puddles
Blogpost for the eleventh day of Christmas 20/21: The choice is yours
Blogpost for the twelfth day of Christmas 20/21: Anticipation

Raining again

As I did last year, I will attempt to write a blogpost a day for the 12 days of Christmas; except this time I will pick a new topic each day. This is the blogpost for the third day of Christmas 20/21.

Today’s topic “Raining again” is inspired by Maiken 🙂

It is raining again today and storming as well, so the day is wet and cold and dark. When I woke up, I was sure that it was quite early, because it was still so dark inside, and yet it was half past nine.

When we have these days, it is easy to get annoyed about the weather and the things that we cannot do because of it. Or maybe rather that we do not feel like doing because of it… Taking run or a nice slow walk..

Or we get annoyed about the darkness and long for the light.

All of this is quite understandable and normally not a problem. Except that sometimes we get caught in that web of only seeing the darkness and the things that it prevents us from doing. Then it becomes a problem because it clouds our minds until we may miss out on the light, when it is there.

So what can we do instead?

We can take the opportunity to go out in it anyway, get cold and wet and feel alive. Go home, get a warm shower and take a nice warm beverage 🙂

We can light candles or lamps creating that light which nature does not provide today. If you have a light therapy lamp, maybe you can sit with it a bit longer. If you don’t have one, I totally recommend getting one.

Cuddle up under a nice blanket with a good book; not because it is cold, but because it is cosy and nice. Or if we have loved ones in our house, we can play boardgames, talk or just be together.

Make the day a slow day and take our time to be in that moment instead of always doing the next thing or looking ahead.

For more than a decade I have practiced finding the silver lining in every situations. The first years it was awfully hard as I did not have the habit, but it got better and better, and now I can do it most days. Though the isolation this year has made it harder again.

What do you do to find the light on a dark day?

Blogpost for the first day of Christmas 20/21: Time for reflection
Blogpost for the second day of Christmas 20/21: Unicorns
Blogpost for the fourth day of Christmas 20/21: Being or doing
Blogpost for the fifth day of Christmas 20/21: Gratefulness
Blogpost for the sixth day of Christmas 20/21: Having people in my space
Blogpost for the seventh day of Christmas 20/21: Family
Blogpost for the eight day of Christmas 20/21: Uninspiration
Blogpost for the ninth day of Christmas 20/21: Fear (and courage?)
Blogpost for the tenth day of Christmas 20/21: Jumping in puddles
Blogpost for the eleventh day of Christmas 20/21: The choice is yours
Blogpost for the twelfth day of Christmas 20/21: Anticipation

Unicorns

As I did last year, I will attempt to write a blogpost a day for the 12 days of Christmas; except this time I will pick a new topic each day. This is the blogpost for the second day of Christmas 20/21.

Today’s topic is Unicorns inspired by V_Source 🙂

This morning at brunch I was talking with my ten year old niece about what I do. She knows that I travel when it is not corona ,and that I gave a talk on stress as she found a video on youtube while searching for her family name. I tried to explain what else I do; that I help people communicate and collaborate, but it became to abstract for her.

So we moved to what I am. As I was wearing my Batman hoodie, it was obvious to her that I was at least Batwoman. I tried to tell her that I am also a unicorn, but that was too unlikely for her eventhough she gets why people think I am a unicorn with my normal turquise and pink hair. But I have no horn, so I could not be a unicorn.

I told her that I am endorsed for being a certified unicorn on Linkedin, but that was not enough, so I didn’t even bother talking about being a certified unicorn certifier. It makes you wonder, why we really have these certifications if you can’t use them when in need 😉

It is hard to discuss these things with a ten year old, who have known of unicorns all their life, as unicorns have become vastly popular the last years. Now you can find them anywhere and on everything from toiletpaper to chocolates and sprinkles for cakes. All fluffy and magical and innocent and cute. And almost always white or pink and with elements of rainbow color in one form or another.

I too find these unicorns very cute, though some are a bit too much for me, and not all appeal to me. I am fascinated by the myths, the stories, the magic – and the power of these animals. Especially the black unicorn is powerful and magical and not often seen – which is why I had another discussion with my niece about which colors, unicorns can be 🙂

You might think that unicorns are just a myth, or silly, or nothing that grown-ups should be talking about, and that is okay.
For me they matter more than just being a fascinating story.

I am not sure who first called me a unicorn, but I do recall, when I certified my first unicorns; it was the summer of 2016 in the Romanian office of Avira, where two women were spreading joy and kindness in the office. They would make people smile, they would bring small gifts and there was something magical about it. And they were standing out from the norm each in their way. So I decided to certify them as unicorns for passing the unicorn test and showing proficient unicorn behavior.

After that I have certified a few here and there; always people who are a litle bit different from the norm, and who spread joy, kindness and a little bit of magic. People who have a certain spark. Often people have not considered it before they get the certificate, but that is because unicorns, who live in a human body, forget what they are after a while. (If you are not convinced, try watching “The last Unicorn“)

Each one of them have been thrilled to be certified 🙂

Sometimes people ask be to become a certified unicorn, because they think it could be a fun thing to get, but that is not how it works. It must be earned.

Is it silly to talk about unicorns in this way?
Maybe it is. But it is also joyful and nice, and that is something that we need in our lives – some days more than others – and anyone who contributes to that deserves to be celebrated.

So yes it might be a little bit silly, but also a little bit serious. We sometimes forget that we might have a little magic inside and that this magic can be used to help people smile and enjoy life more -not just other people, but also ourselves.

Am I a unicorn? At least I try to get in touch with the powerful black unicorn I have inside. What a mighty beast it is and what a spark it gives.

When was the last time you were in touch with the magic spark you have inside? And what would happen if you would let it loose?

Blogpost for the first day of Christmas 20/21: Time for reflection
Blogpost for the third day of Christmas 20/21: Raining again
Blogpost for the fourth day of Christmas 20/21: Being or doing
Blogpost for the fifth day of Christmas 20/21: Gratefulness
Blogpost for the sixth day of Christmas 20/21: Having people in my space
Blogpost for the seventh day of Christmas 20/21: Family
Blogpost for the eight day of Christmas 20/21: Uninspiration
Blogpost for the ninth day of Christmas 20/21: Fear (and courage?)
Blogpost for the tenth day of Christmas 20/21: Jumping in puddles
Blogpost for the eleventh day of Christmas 20/21: The choice is yours
Blogpost for the twelfth day of Christmas 20/21: Anticipation

Time for reflection

Last year I was challenged to write a series of blogposts on hope for the 12 days of Christmas. To my surprise I felt that I had a lot to write about that topic. Some days the inspiration came easy, other days it took a while, and each day I found something to write about that felt right.

I was considering, if I should do something similar this year or just chill for the holidays. And I decided to go for the challenge.

I couldn’t figure out which topic to choose, so I asked on twitter for suggestions, which I got a bunch of. Sitting here this evening and trying to decide, I found it hard to choose even from those, so I decided to change my rules. I will choose a new topic each days instead. After all life is full of experiments – or at least it is more fun when it is… 🙂

For the first day of Christmas I pick “reflection” suggested by Tobias Geyer 🙂

I am good at helping others reflect and learn. It is something that I really focus on in my work and that I hope to inspire people to do more of.

Our strongest tool at work (and beyond?) is reflection followed by actions and experimenting. Yet this is not something we have a lot of time for in our busy world.

Even for retrospectives I find that many fall into the trap of “what went wrong, let’s do this” almost in one breath, which might be efficient, but not effective. It very easily becomes treatment of symptoms instead of looking at the root of the issue. I have yet to consult in a company without working on retrospectives at some point. 🙂

Taking the time to reflect in retrospectives, meetings, or any other setting may not be efficient – it takes time, but it is what we need to move, grow, and learn.

We need to take that deep breath, take a step back and look at things, consider things, feel things, and stop up long enough to see what is there instead of guessing and assuming. Then and only then can we act on what is.

And how am I doing on this myself?
I am not good at reflecting at least not on my own and not about myself. Last time I really tried was a while ago with my good friend Morgan, where I had suggested that we reflected on our own years just doing it together. Strangely enough I cannot recall if this was one or two years ago. I do remember how I felt.

Morgan asked “Why would you like to reflect?” and that triggered a lot inside: much sadness, frustration and feeling helpless and very small. I broke a little and cried a lot. This happens sometimes and for once, I was lucky enough to be with someone and not just someone. A friend where I am able to let all guards down and be what I am in that moment. This is a rare things for me as I almost always keep an element of control; not deliberately, but still I do. (Thank you Morgan for always being there)

So what about now? If anything this is a year to reflect, to consider what it is important in life, what is important to me, what is important to the world.

I still struggle reflecting and that is something I will work on in the new year. Not so much the reflection I think, but how to open that next layer of my emotional onion without breaking. Or maybe find someone professional, who can help me open and break in a safe setting, and get up again, put the pieces together and be stronger ,because I am embrace that new layer. I guess this counts as reflection – it is a start, and that is what I can do now.

I started this reflection post by thinking I would reflect in my last Christmas days post from last year: “What are my hopes?” and yet my writing took me elsewhere as it tends to do. My reflection on that is this:I still have the same hopes; they were not fulfilled and I still hope they will be.

What are things you want to reflect on? Or things that you are afraid to look it? What would make you feel safe enough to look at it and reflect?

Blogpost for the second day of Christmas 20/21: Unicorns
Blogpost for the third day of Christmas 20/21: Raining again
Blogpost for the fourth day of Christmas 20/21: Being or doing
Blogpost for the fifth day of Christmas 20/21: Gratefulness
Blogpost for the sixth day of Christmas 20/21: Having people in my space
Blogpost for the seventh day of Christmas 20/21: Family
Blogpost for the eight day of Christmas 20/21: Uninspiration
Blogpost for the ninth day of Christmas 20/21: Fear (and courage?)
Blogpost for the tenth day of Christmas 20/21: Jumping in puddles
Blogpost for the eleventh day of Christmas 20/21: The choice is yours
Blogpost for the twelfth day of Christmas 20/21: Anticipation

Er sexuelle krænkelser bare småting?

Sorry for the post in Danish, but it seemed the most appropiate to do in this case.

Den korte version:
Nej sexuelle krænkelser er ikke bare småting.
Vi har endeligt fået startet metoo-debatten ordentligt i Danmark og vi har muligheden for at lave tingene om.

Den lange version:
Nej sexuelle krænkelser er ikke bare småting.

Jeg var overrasket over, at der ikke skete mere i Danmark 2017, da metoo kom frem. For mig at se kom der små pip her og der, men langt det meste endte med at der kom lidt tøhø over det, der skete, men ikke megen konsekvens. Nå ja Ålen klapper folk bagi og presser folk til nøgenhed a la “du vil jo gerne være med i hulen, Mulle”, men det er da bare lidt værkstedshumor og bare for sjov.

Som jeg husker det, nåede vi ikke engang til at diskutere sexisme, kun chikanen (som er slem nok i sig selv).

Nu begynder sagerne at komme ud – de pibler nærmest ud af alle huller. Lad os få sagerne på bordet om sexchikane og sexisme (både mod mænd og kvinder) og lad os så begynde at gøre noget ved det.

Jeg har forsøgt at holde min mund på trods af mange post, som jeg har været uenige med.
Som at kvinderne bare er curlingbørn og skal tage sig sammen – det er jo ikke en rigtig krænkelse at blive taget på låret, når man ikke ønsker det.
Eller at det er synd for mændene, at ting kommer frem i offentligheden.
Eller at kvinder skal sige navnet for ellers mistænkes alle, eller at de ikke skal sige navnet for så dømmes folk uden sag.
Eller generelt have fokus på hvad kvinderne skulle have gjort eller ikke gjort.
Eller som Pia Kjærsgård, der taler om tilgivelse. Faktisk blev Frank Jensen jo tilgivet for sin slikken på halsen under fest i 2011 – men det stoppede ham ikke!
Eller, at det ikke handler om kultur, men er enkeltsager.

Ja, der er værre sager og værre overgreb end klap på låret og slik på halsen, og dem skal vi også gøre noget ved. Vi skal gøre noget ved det hele for det hele er overgreb især når den, der gør det har magt over den, som det sker for. Hvis nogen rører ved dig uden, at du ønsker det, så er det et overgreb.

Ja det ville være rart, hvis alle bare sagde fra. Det ville være endnu bedre, hvis de ikke behøvede at sige fra. Eller hvis omgivelserne også sagde fra.
Ja det er irriterende, at der er så meget fokus på krænkelserne – men det er bare fordi vi ikke har talt om dem før!!

Ja enkeltindivider er ansvarlige for deres handlinger. Og den kultur, der har hersket og stadigt hersker mange steder gør, at de har syntes, at de her handlinger har været okay. Som Frank Jensen siger “jeg er jo et varmt menneske”.

Det kan godt være, at de sager vi ser i offentligheden nu skulle være bragt frem tidligere, men det blev de ikke. Vi ved ikke hvorfor, men en grund kan være frygten for konsekvensen for den, der anmelder tingene såsom at blive fyret.

Det er bemærkelsesværdigt, at når en sag kommer frem om en person, så kommer der flere til fordi der nu er flere, der tør stå frem. Jeg har set det samme ske i internt i virksomheder, hvor folk nu står frem fordi de finder ud af, at de ikke er den eneste. Fordi de nu kan se, at de ikke selv har gjort noget galt.

Jeg har selv haft en stalker, og det tog meget arbejde for mig at se, at det ikke var mig, der var skyld i, at han stalkede mig, overvågede min lejlighed og satte hjerter i opgangen. Det krævede både psykologbehandling, og en leder, der sagde “Der er 800 mænd på denne arbejdsplads, og 1, der ikke kan finde ud af, at du bare er venlig. Du er ikke problemet“.

…Og ti år efter, da jeg så ham i biografen, dukkede angsten op igen. Jeg var endda heldig, at der ikke skete noget fysisk.

Da jeg blev gramset på brysterne af en fremmed på et diskotek pandede jeg ham en, men det er ikke alle der reagerer sådan.

Det triste er, at for hver af de her sager er der masser af sager, vi ikke hører. Masser af folk, der ikke tør stå frem, fordi de frygter konsekvensen. Vi ser bare toppen af isbjerget og der er rigtigt meget under overfladen. Hvis man får opbygget tilliden og lytter, så kommer historierne, men det er svært at vide hvem man kan stole på.

Vi har brug for en ordentlig kultur på vores arbejdspladser, vores foreninger, vores liv.
Kultur er ikke bare de fine ord vi taler om og de ting vi siger højt. Kultur er summen af vores handlinger – og de handlinger vi accepterer, som når vi ikke griber ind, når vi ser noget er galt. Det er jo bare værkstedshumør, for sjov, en flirt…. Nej det er det ikke altid. Nogle gange er det truende.

Kultur er også det der accepteres, som i dette tilfælde at mænd truer og bruger magt og ikke kan styre sine hænder – og at det dysses ned eller ikke kommer frem.
Jeg er enig i at folk er personligt ansvarlige, men hvis ingen siger fra i omgivelserne, så bliver de ikke nødt til at tage det her ansvar.

Jeg er sjældent enig med Reimer Bo, men jeg er meget enig i denne artikel: Det er ikke kun ofrene, der skal sige fra. Det er alle os andre. Og tør vi det?

Så et interessant interview med Ritt Bjerregård, der sagde, at sådan har det altid været. At man hurtigt lærte hvem man skulle holde afstand til, men at de til gengæld ikke overvejede at det var noget, der kunne ændres.
Vi gamle har levet med, at sådan var det, og sådan gjorde mænd. Det gjaldt om at vide, hvem der var ude på noget, og hvornår man skulle holde sig for sig selv. Men vi anså det ikke for muligt, at det var noget, vi kunne lave om på, siger hun.

Det er noget, der kan ændres, men det kræver mere end at kvinder siger fra.
Det handler om magt og at vi har tilladt den magt at blive brugt forkert (og ikke kun i politik). At det er magt kan man også se på at omkring halvdelen af sexchikanesager i HK anmeldes af mænd.


Vi har nu muligheden for at lave det om!!!!


Vi kan starte med at få tingene frem i lyset og behandle enkeltsager, men vi bliver nødt til at tage næste skridt.

Vi bliver nødt til at tage diskussion om hvad det er i vores kultur, der gør, at vi har accepteret de her ting. Der gør, at folk tror, at det er okay at begå de her overgreb, og at ofrene tror, at det ikke er okay at tale om. Det, der gør, at ofrene ikke siger fra, men i stedet tænker “hvad har jeg gjort forkert?”. Det, der gør, at teenagepiger taler om hvornår de fik deres første dickpic og ikke om de har fået et.

Der er mange mange flere ting der er en del af puslespillet

Og det kommer til at gøre ondt at lave om på tingene. Vi bliver nødt til at se indad, vi bliver nødt til at erkende vores ansvar, og vi bliver nødt til at ændre ting. Men det er den eneste mulighed vi har.


Hvis vi ikke gør noget, hvem gør så?

Doing scavenger hunt remotely

As part of a kick-off at a client, I decided to try out a remote scavenger hunt. I was not sure that it would work, but not only did it work, it exceeded all my expectations 🙂

Background

The leaders of the product-area and I were planning a three day long after-summer kickoff with the overarching theme of cross-team collaboration. We would be facilitating sessions about product, tech, and other tasks for the four teams.

Besides those we wanted a session on building connections across teams. To further build connections, we divided people into random groups across the product-area for most of the collaborative exercises.
Building connections is part of building trust, which is the foundation of collaboration and psychological safety.

From a previous kick-off in January we had gotten the feedback that people liked doing the fun exercises which had learning aspects, so we wanted to build on that success. Only this time we were doing the kick-off remote, so I had to come up with something different.

Designing the scavenger hunt

A few weeks before I started planning, I was in a Zoom meeting with retrospective facilitators, where we discussed remote facilitation among other things. We discussed how to engage people and also how to get them away from the computer.

Aino Corry said that she used “find something red” in many of her workshops, because this would usually not be something people had close to their workplace.

I liked the idea, and decided to build on it by creating a scavenger hunt with the following attributes:

  • Be fun
  • Get people away from the computer a bit
  • Collaborate to fulfill the task
  • Getting to know each other

Setup

Normally in a scavenger hunt I would have people find something particular, but as I did not know what people had in their homes, I went for five abstract things:

  • Something red
  • Something round
  • Something that smells nice
  • Something soft
  • Something with a nice sound

I divided people into groups of five using a random number generator, which did have the side effect that one group had four members from the same team, but thus is randomizing.

As we used Microsoft Teams, there was no option of break-out rooms, so I had to do a workaround.

I created a Teams meeting for each group and a spreadsheet that had the group members, links to the meetings, and the description for the task, so people only had to look in one place.

Each person had to find one thing from the list, and then the group had to make a story that contained all five items and the names of the group members. It could be a true story or they could make something up.
I added the story for them to collaborate as they had no option of finding things together.

They had 45 min including me explaining to complete the task. It was followed by a coffee break (or as we say in Sweden: fika) and then 4 mins for each team to tell the story.

So how did it go?

After the fika we met in the big Teams meeting again and it was time to tell the stories.

The first story was about a soft hippo (plush toy) that was lonely and always wanted to be a firefighter. All group members had their videos on, and the person with the hippo told the story as a feel-good bedtime story, while the others presented the props.

Another group had autogenerated a story and had the story read by a bot.

One group had the story told by Bolibompa (the children’s channel’s mascot) as he was going for a walk on his birthday. The narrator filmed as he was walking outside, so it was all seen from the dragon’s viewpoint and then he found a birthday party with five things in it.

One group even bent the rules and created a presention where each member proposed a thing that would fulfill all five requirements. Like one had a picture of himself in a red t-shirt and red guitar- he was soft, smelled nice, red, and had a nice sound but alas he was not round.

I was so amazed by the creativity not only in stories, but also in how they presented them.  With the limited time that people had, I had not expected such great stories 🙂
And they were very funny. One of the other leaders later said that it was good that they were muted as they laughed out loud several times.

Some groups had everyone presenting with video on, some had one presenter and everyone video on, some had presentation and no video, so a lot of variations, which I think is good. In a setting where many are in a remote meeting, not all feel comfortable speaking up or having the video on. This way each group chose what worked for them.

The spontaneous feedback was that it was fun and a good framing for them to talk about something different than work.
Later several people said that this was the best part of the kickoff days 🙂

More importantly: people build connections that will be helpful when they work together next time or they have a problem. It is much easier to go to someone you know than to a stranger.