As I did last year, I will attempt to write a blogpost a day for the 12 days of Christmas; except this time I will pick a new topic each day. This is the blogpost for the fourth day of Christmas 20/21.
One of the things I have always struggled with is feeling good enough, and I feel this creeping up on me at the moment. The feeling of not being good enough or not worthy, combined with the need of getting confirmation from others that I am.
I know it would be better for me, if I could give myself the feeling of being good enough and not need others to give it.
I truly deeply believe that a person is worthy just by being. They don’t need to do anything to be worthy. Who we are is always good enough, what we do may not be.
And yet I struggle to see that about myself.
I used to not feel good enough at all and thought that only by doing things would I be worthy. That I needed to be smart and get good grades and help people and go good work and all those things; then maybe I would be worthy, and people would like me if I did things for them. And I needed them to like me to be good enough.
I have come to a point, where sometimes I am grounded, and I know that I am worthy, and I know that I do good things and help people. I know that I am liked and appreciated. Not by all, and that is okay, because I don’t want to change myself to be liked. When I am there, I am confident and have quite a presence.
And then there are all the doubting times, where I swing between feeling confident and grounded and full of doubt and not felling good enough. Swinging might not even be the right word as the states seem to co-exist: I can doubt myself and my worth, and at the same time be confident that I know what I am doing and wanting to be acknowledged for that.
This year I have been very isolated and worked remote like many people I know. This has made me doubt myself even more as I know I am good in a room, in live trainings, in one to one conversations, or being available and approachable, but these spaces do not exist anymore. Many of my good coaching conversations happen when people see me at the coffee machine or my seat and say “do you have a minute?”; not having those spaces have made me seriously doubt all that I do, and if I can even help anyone while being online and remote.
Same with conferences and workshops. Many of the great things about speaking happens after the talk itself, in the corridor, in the bar or anywhere that people meet and talk and listen. Without that, what are my talks worth?
I can see that I can still help people ; not to the same extend and not as often as the serendipity of meeting spontanously have vanished. I can help by being honest and talking about how things are hard for me as well; I can help by listening to people and being kind to them, confirming to them that they are okay as I need to feel that I am okay. I can give that to others and not to myself.
It still means that I have regressed to needing more approval and recognition from the outside. I feel that I need to do something for people so they still like me, so that I am still worthy. Logically I knew that it is enough to just be me also to be liked; that I am liked by many for who I am, without having to do anything.
Emotionally I do not know. I feel a bit like that kid who was dreaming of someone getting a heart attack in the bus, so I could use my first-aid skills, save that person and finally be liked. That girl is still inside. Even as I write these posts, there is a part of me hoping that someone will be helped by them, so that I will be liked.
It is a vicious cycle wanting to be liked, feeling the need to be liked, and getting annoyed at myself for needed to be liked to feel good enough. So I need even more to be liked, because I cannot give myself that worth, and then I thnk less of me for needing it. And the circle goes on and on…
Sometimes I give into it and I ask for good messages for me on twitter; either by directly saying that I need it or more often by saying that I feel down. And I get massive support from amazing people – thank you 🙂
I see these moments of doubts more when I am resting, because I am not good enough, giving enough, doing enough. I need to learn that it is also true for me that I am good enough because I am. That all I need is being. And I need to feel it
Today my friend Lena asked “What can you do to feel that you are valuable just because you are?”. That is a question I still need to answer for myself and that I will pass on to you.
Remember that who you are is always good enough, what you do may not be.
What can you do to feel that you are valuable just because you are?
What helps you feel aware of your selfworth?
Blogpost for the first day of Christmas 20/21: Time for reflection
Blogpost for the second day of Christmas 20/21: Unicorns
Blogpost for the third day of Christmas 20/21: Raining again
Blogpost for the fifth day of Christmas 20/21: Gratefulness
Blogpost for the sixth day of Christmas 20/21: Having people in my space
Blogpost for the seventh day of Christmas 20/21: Family
Blogpost for the eight day of Christmas 20/21: Uninspiration
Blogpost for the ninth day of Christmas 20/21: Fear (and courage?)
Blogpost for the tenth day of Christmas 20/21: Jumping in puddles
Blogpost for the eleventh day of Christmas 20/21: The choice is yours
Blogpost for the twelfth day of Christmas 20/21: Anticipation
One thought on “Being or doing”
Thank you for this post Gitte.
It triggers me again to think about how I am dealing with this same thing. I am also often looking for approval, trying to get people to say that I have done well. I also know the difference between ‘being good enough’ and ‘doing good enough’, know it rationally. Emotionally it is a whole different thing.
I am lucky to have a wife who loves me even though I sometimes/often do not good enough. That must be because I am being good enough to her (and luckily the same is also true from me to her). This is something that helps me to keep grounded. And this still comes from the outside.
Changing my inner dialog is still ongoing. Catching myself and questioning the truthfulness and usefulness of this dialog helps me. Understanding where this dialog comes from has been a tremendous help for me as well.
Thanks for this post, making me think and triggering me to respond 🙂